The One With the FRIENDS Birth Order Breakdown

Let’s talk about birth order among our favorite friends – The Friends! Is that geeky or nerdy? Who cares, it’s fun!

I’m not sure how purposefully the writers of Friends may have included specific birth order personality traits into the characters, but these are so much a part of how humans interact that the patterns of birth order do show up in Friends.

To get a brush up on birth order you can check out my book reviews on The Birth Order Book, Firstborn Advantage, and Eldest Daughter Effect.

Here are the Fab Six alphabetically with birth orders:

1. Chandler – only child
2. Joey – second born of 8 children, one older sister, 6 younger sisters, only boy – functional firstborn
3. Monica – second born of 2 children, only girl – functional firstborn
4. Phoebe – second born of twin girls – youngest/last
5. Rachel – oldest of 3 girls – firstborn
6. Ross – oldest of 2 children, only boy – firstborn

So we have one only child, two firstborn, and two functional firstborn. Fascinating! Look at the groups, too. Three are biological firstborn/only (Chandler, Rachel, and Ross) and three are biological second born (Monica, Joey, and Phoebe).

In case you aren’t familiar with functional firstborn, discussed by Dr. Leman, this is where birth order gets really interesting and why it isn’t as simple as what position a person is in the family lineup. It’s also why people new to the idea of birth order say they don’t fit the mold. There are variables that also affect the order. Functional firstborn is when there is a gender difference, large age difference, disability or special need, or other variable among siblings such as adoption, sibling death, or extreme illness. 

So for our group of friends, all but one (Phoebe) have strong firstborn traits. Yet another reason the Phoebs is so Phoebe! (Picture Phoebe running here.)

As for ages, Monica and Ross are one year apart, Joey is just nine months younger than his older sister, and Phoebe is one minute younger. Very close ages.

And while the characters on the show are created by both the writers and the actors, it also turns out that four of the actors are also functional firstborn: David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry, Jennifer Aniston, and Matt LeBlanc. (What about the writers? I wonder.)

Before going any further, we need to brush up on firstborn traits since almost everyone is a firstborn, functional firstborn, or an only child. While the books go into these traits in much more detail, to summarize:

The five core qualities of firstborn daughters as listed in Eldest Daughter Effect are

1. Responsible
2. Dutiful
3. Take-charge
4. Thoughtful/serious
5. Caring

In The Birth Order Book, Dr. Leman identifies the main traits listed below as most common for firstborn. Each trait has a strength and a weakness to it, which I’ve included in parentheses:

1. Leadership ability (take charge <–> overbearing)
2. Aggressive (command respect <–> run roughshod)
3. Compliant (cooperative <–> can be taken advantage of & avoids conflict)
4. Perfectionistic (thorough <–> self-critical & feels not good enough)
5. Organized (things under control & on schedule <–> inflexible & critical)
6. Driven (ambitious <–> puts self under pressure)
7. List maker (reaches goals <–> narrow focus)
8. Logical (straight thinker <–> self-righteous)
9. Scholarly (read, study, solve problems <–> too serious)

So that’s quite a lot to digest about firstborns. Where’s the big long list about second borns? The thing about the second born child is that they are almost always some kind of opposite to the firstborn. And opposites can go in many different directions.

In looking at the interactions of our friends, we can see some of the birth order traits of only children, firstborn, and second born.

Ross

Ross is Monica’s older brother and I think it’s easiest to see their qualities because they are both lead characters so we get to watch a lot of interaction between them. Plus, we see them interact with their parents more than we see the parents of the other four.

We can easily see the dynamic of Ross’ golden child designation since he was born when Jack and Judy thought they couldn’t have kids. His being the well-loved, longed-for child can also explain Monica’s weight issues if she was eating to compensate for not being as highly anticipated.

Ross has classic firstborn traits – he’s intelligent, scholarly, very orderly, follows the rules, is a planner. He also has some people pleasing characteristics which many firstborn have. Ross is insecure, another classic firstborn trait. Having a second child in the family to dethrone the firstborn creates that insecurity.

Ross also has other firstborn traits as he is nerdy, a stickler for the rules, and often a leader of the group. We also see him being perfectionistic, ambitious, competent, organized, logical, and bullied (by his sister, Phoebe, the guys at Central Perk).

He can be very particular and expects the world to conform to his standards.

Monica

As mentioned above, Monica is a biological second born and so has classic second born traits in that she is opposite to Ross in many ways. She is more creative than Ross, as can be seen in the apartment and her love of cooking. Side note: another way they behaved as opposites is that Monica dated a much older man at one point, and later, Ross dated a much younger woman.

Monica also has functional firstborn traits since she is the first (only) girl in her family while the firstborn is a boy. Her obsession with cleanliness can be a result of being a functional firstborn. She loves lists and organizing, also firstborn traits. She isn’t worried about taking charge of the situation when it looks as if Chandler won’t propose. She is also very particular, generally acts logically, is ambitious, is perfectionistic, and has been described as bossy.

She’s known for her competitiveness, a type of aggressiveness. While a firstborn trait, her competitiveness can also be a reaction to Ross’ golden boy position. Maybe this is why it’s so strong. She and Ross are especially competitive with each other.

In some ways, she is the “mother hen” of the group. This is a trait that firstborn daughters, especially, tend toward. A common firstborn trait of both genders is a compliant/nurturing/caregiving way of treating people.

In the episode where Monica makes candy for the neighbors, the idea comes out that she might use cooking to get people to like her. A firstborn reaction – wanting to please people.

Chandler

Chandler is an only child so according to Dr. Leman he would have the firstborn traits but they would be felt or expressed more deeply. His job as an IT procurement manager specializing in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration (no, not a “transponster”) fits in this trait since it sounds studious and logical. Plus, he hates his job, which is common for firstborns and therefore onlies. He’s successful at his job since he’s promoted from time to time and again, this is in line with Dr. Leman’s book where he says the only child is confident, articulate, self-motivated, and seemingly on top of things.

Other characteristics of Chandler that fit with his birth order: he seems to be the highest earning of all six, so he’s ambitious and driven. He has commitment issues which can stem from perfectionism, a firstborn trait. Related to his perfectionism, while Monica is high maintenance (and therefore also a perfectionist), he’s proud that he can “maintain” her and meet her very high standards and expectations about her world.

Perhaps his defining characteristic, his biting sarcasm, is actually a firstborn quality as it stems from his cynicism and critical view of life (though not surprising given his childhood, regardless of birth order). And his intelligence, again firstborn, makes him even funnier.

He’s not confident romantically (insecurity), can be neurotic and extremely defensive, he’s rarely spontaneous, but likes to plan things and think about things before taking action. He says he’s “crippled by fear and self-loathing” and, while it is kind of a joke when he says it, it also kind of isn’t. This is another trait of only children. Since they don’t have to share or interact as much as children with siblings do, they may hide their true self or come to think they are not good enough.

I already mentioned that both firstborn Ross and functional firstborn Monica have people pleasing traits. So does Chandler and they may be even more pronounced in him. He’s continually unable to break up with Janice – once Phoebe helps him and once he even flies to Yemen to avoid disappointing Janice.

While a lot of people don’t like the stereotype of only children as being lonely, they aren’t necessarily lonely, but they might be used to solitude (doesn’t mean they like it, just that they are familiar with it). Fun-loving, life-of-the-party traits tend to be found among youngest children, especially in large families. But the show implies that Chandler only had one friend in high school and college, Ross, and this, too, does happen with many only children.

Even though Monica is a functional firstborn and two firstborns in a relationship together aren’t always well-suited, her second born traits help them get past the rocky parts of their relationship. 

Rachel

Rachel is firstborn of three girls. Her being a firstborn and Ross being a firstborn can also explain the difficulties they have in their relationship besides the “we were on a break” thing. Firstborns in relationship with other firstborn often clash because both tend to be stubborn, unyielding, and conflict avoidant. According to Dr. Leman in The Birth Order Book, firstborns in relationship together are often “constantly butting heads. They lock horns over something, and neither will back off.”

Obvious firstborn traits of Rachel are that she is ambitious – she becomes a successful businesswoman in the fashion industry – she’s smart (though sometimes goofy), and she’s determined.

In The One With The Joke, Phoebe points out that Rachel is a “pushover.” This is a firstborn trait, as it can be a weakness for those who are compliant (see numbered lists above). The dictionary also defines a pushover as “a person of unquestioning obedience.” Rachel as firstborn would easily be very obedient, and she does try to follow all the rules of her life up until she bails on her wedding. She still struggles with standing up to her father in other episodes.  

And yet, while she was raised in the lap of luxury and had things done for her, her natural firstborn traits shine through once she steps out on her own. She is determined, a fast learner, and she is the only daughter her father is proud of (he tells Jill).

When we see Rachel interacting with her parents and her sisters, she is often the good girl, mother hen to her family, caregiving, and “hands-on” as The Eldest Daughter Effect calls it. In fact, in her family interactions, we see all five qualities the book identified in eldest daughters: responsible, dutiful, take-charge, thoughtful/serious, and caring.

While some have lauded Jennifer Aniston’s acting and said that “in the wrong hands the character is annoying, spoiled, and unlikable” (Wikipedia), I would go so far as to say that her firstborn traits are what keep her from being unlikable. Maybe the fact that Aniston is a firstborn made that crucial difference. And maybe her weaknesses appear more in her interactions with Ross, who is also a firstborn.

Phoebe

While Phoebe’s personality is greatly influenced by her hippie upbringing, her mother’s suicide, and her early life experiences, she is also a twin. Phoebe is younger by one minute. Technically she is the second child and she does show second child traits, especially in that she behaves in so many opposite ways to Ursula. In The Birth Order Book, Dr. Leman says: “Some twinships can turn into real rivalries,” particularly if they are same gender. Twins play out the first born/second born dynamic of opposites.

Ursula has many of the negative firstborn weaknesses of being a bully, controlling, critical, and dismissive. She becomes almost an “evil twin” – uber self-absorbed, no compassion at all, entirely selfish and cruel, and completely uncommunicative. Phoebe is starkly opposite.

Phoebe’s morals are stronger than Ursula’s and she is more caring than Ursula, which fits the pattern of opposite to firstborn. She is also more accepting of people than it appears that Ursula is.

Interestingly, Lisa Kudrow preferred to think of Ursula as mostly absent-mindedly self-absorbed but not cruel. But it seems as the show went on, Ursula’s personality worsened. See especially how she treats her boyfriends, some of whom Phoebe ends up helping in some way.

We can see Phoebe’s traits also in interactions with her parents and her significant others. While birth order traits are formed mostly by age 7 or so, you would still see them in interactions with parents even as an adult. She is kind, freethinking, trying to connect, intuitive, open minded, and forgiving. Less concerned with rules and more innovative in her thinking. She’s not a people pleaser, she’s comfortable with conflict, a bit of a rule breaker, actually, with her hints of having been in jail and her time mugging people.

And she’s “flaky,” which she’s totally fine with. She has this connecting, kind-hearted approach towards both her father and her mother in the show, seeking them out and ultimately forgiving them when she has every reason to reject them. Her flexibility and openness allow her to serve as surrogate to her half-brother and his wife. She is the one who reaches out to Ursula though Ursula never seeks her out.

She even plays peacemaker – in her own quirky way – with Monica and Rachel, when the two have misunderstandings (dating Van Dam and moving). And she’s not afraid to mix it up with any of the friends, telling Rachel Green she’s “met her match” and competing with Monica over the doll house. This is not how a conflict-avoidant first-born acts.

Joey

Joey is the only boy of a large family with 7 sisters. This alone makes him a functional firstborn based on his being the only son. He’s also older than 6 of his sisters and is understandably, and in true firstborn fashion, very protective.

In straight birth order, he is second born and, therefore, also a middle child. This explains his extrovert personality, his comfort with being an actor, and his dating a lot, as middle children are good at connecting with others and generally are more outgoing than firstborns.

Interestingly, this article mentions that Matthew Leblanc approached the relationship between Joey and Monica with a big brother vibe. In real life this would probably happen, too, given he is older brother to six sisters and has only one older sister. Plus, Monica is the younger sister to Joey’s friend, so she is in a kind-of younger sister role already.

Joey gets bossy with his parents when they, especially his father, act like teenagers. It’s very common for firstborn to be parentified and often take on responsibility for things when their parents drop the ball or act irresponsibly. Given the large family, this may not have been the first time Joey acted more responsibly than his parents.

We see more of Joey’s firstborn sense of responsibility in his concern for Phoebe and then Rachel when he thinks one, and then learns the other, is pregnant, and he proposes from a sense of duty, responsibility, and protectiveness. I think his second born concern for Ross when he and Rachel seem to fall in love contributes to the fact that he and Rachel feel too weird about dating.

It’s hard to see some of Joey’s traits because he has so little on-screen interaction with his closest sibling, his older sister, when compared to what we see of the other five friends and their sibling interactions. We can’t see the second born oppositional dynamic with his sister. There are only two episodes with Joey and his sisters.

Besides the episode with all seven sisters, which is more about Chandler, we see in a different episode that one of Joey’s younger sisters, Dina, comes to him for support when she is pregnant in The One With The Boots. Though she realizes he might not like her news so she asks Rachel to help her tell Joey. In this interaction, we see Joey’s firstborn traits kick in. Which makes sense since she is one of the younger sisters, not the one who is older than Joey.

Since Joey is second born to a girl and a first born son, his second born traits, tendencies, and rivalries are minimal, but they are still there. There are at least 2 traits he doesn’t have of the firstborn – he is not scholarly nor especially orderly (dropping spaghetti on the floor is no big deal).

His easy-going nature helps him put up with Chandler, who might not be the easiest roommate to have. Maybe Joey’s older sister and Chandler are similar in temperament, we don’t get to find out, but the relationship of Joey with Chandler is actually one of the best things about the show. Looking at how the two men interact may show us more about Joey’s personality, then. They are opposite in many ways, and this may help keep their friendship strong.

Joey actually has the most self-confidence of all the friends, except maybe Phoebe, and this is definitely more a second born trait than a firstborn trait. Joey is also loyal, goofy, and has a childish side.

Here are the FRIENDS who are firstborn and functional firstborn with the firstborn traits in side-by-side comparison.

We identify with these characters because we see ourselves in their personalities, their strengths and weaknesses, their foibles and eccentricities. Besides being introverts or extroverts, or funny or serious, we see firstborn, middle born, last borns, and onlies, just like ourselves.

Image attributions: Photos of inserts from and collections of my FRIENDS DVDs.