Nonfiction Book Review: The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy

Mom’s death released a flood of emotions in me. After those first few weeks of activity – planning the memorial, packing up her apartment before the deadline, making “those” decisions – I was kind of worried the reality wouldn’t sink in. I continued to imagine her a few counties over in her apartment, still three hours away.

I’d spent so much of my life away from her – 33 years living away from Florida, both of us rarely calling, both of us rarely writing/emailing. I would visit every three to five years or so – for a graduation, a wedding, a funeral. The idea of continuing a similar state of being was comforting in one way but also very disconcerting. Would it really sink in that she was truly gone?

I need not have worried. It sunk in. Quickly.

Every cell in my body knew.

Your body just knows your parents are gone. Those who brought you into the world and molded you are no longer of this physical world. And you know.

And not only did I know they were gone, but I felt that my brothers and sister and I  were six ducks on a pond, floating around with no center anymore, no Mama duck to corral us – to zoom to and zoom from, in pairs or groups or off by ourselves for a bit, zigzagging around the central core. We were just pins on a map, now. Disconnected. Suddenly it was just us kids. I don’t know why that became a thing for me. Before, I wasn’t close to the others but it didn’t worry me. Now, we’re all we have.

So when I saw the title of Alexander Levy’s book, I had to read it: The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents. 

Do you know how many adult orphans there are? Lots. There’s not really any studies counting us since it’s supposed to be such a universal experience. It’s one of those life milestones we all know is coming and do not really want to think about. 

Alexander Levy is a psychologist who began researching adult bereavement after his parents died, first his father at age 82 and then his mother four years later. He was puzzled by the fact that his own grief didn’t really start until eight months after his mother’s passing. He was surprised at how little material was available about adult parental bereavement, especially considering its the single most common cause of bereavement in the U.S. Nearly 12 million adults lose a parent each year. I imagine this number will grow as the largest generation, the boomers (both my parents were boomers), passes away. As Levy says, “Parental loss is not the province of an unfortunate few. It is the ultimate equal-opportunity experience.”

The Orphaned Adult was published in 1999. Not until the 1970s and 1980s did mental health counselors and psychologists begin to question society’s stoic endurance of the common experience of parental loss and the grief and change it creates. Thankfully, these experts began studying their patients (and themselves, like Levy) and by the time Levy’s book appeared, other books about parental bereavement were also being published. I found some more books on the topic I’d like to read (and review).

Levy’s book is both practical and poetic. He skillfully combines psychological insight with his own personal experience as an adult orphan. He expresses the unique landscape of this new place we find ourselves in life, the Land of No Parents. With lyrical language he eloquently articulates various aspects of this not unexpected but unwanted state.

He tells the stories of others who’ve lost their parents and their reactions:

• The forever Peter Pan who suddenly grew up, becoming a serious artist
• The successful hard driving businessman who fell apart physically and couldn’t figure out why
• The man who started visiting churches for the first time in his life
• The man who became more flamboyant after his parents died
• The people who had lost parents who somehow sensed a fellow orphan upon meeting Levy

Levy doesn’t shy away from the shared experiences after parental death that are actually more common than we might think: the ending of our marriages, the reminders of loved ones through strange events or dreams, the sense of their presence in fleeting moments. He explains thoroughly how and why grief is so tiring, how much work it takes, and that it can take a very long time.

I found The Orphaned Adult more encouraging than How to Survive the Loss of a Parent. A little sadder, too, because it is not as objective as Loss. Levy is right there with us in our grief, more of an experienced companion, than an observant advisor. I like the way he expresses the many experiences of grief, how he puts into words the thoughts, feelings, and sensations of losing parents. It made me feel validated in my own grief, that I wasn’t crazy or unfeeling. It also made me feel hope.

I very highly recommend this book, even if only one of your parents has passed. The majority of us will outlive our parents, a scary thought before it happens. Whether you had a great relationship with your parents or a bad one, this book will provide self-understanding and comfort. And yes, even hope.

Book cover by carynwrites
Hand on map by Milada Vigerova from Pixabay / filtered from original