I agree with Patricia Schudy (and the authors of the Eldest Daughter Effect) that oldest daughters are treated differently than oldest sons. While many firstborn traits will be similar (see Dr. Lehman’s books) the specific expectations of an oldest daughter are different than an oldest son.
Author Patricia Schudy is a writer and former columnist whose goal was to explore and understand oldest daughters so she could understand herself. A project I can completely support. But in her research she discovered that most studies had been based on males or didn’t specify gender differences. So she started a study of her own.
In her book Oldest Daughters: What to Know if You Are One or Have Ever Been Bossed Around By One, her focus is on the dynamic between oldest daughters and their families. She uses stories and comments from her website surveys of oldest daughters supplemented with follow-up interviews. She includes insightful analysis from psychologist Dr. Kristin Schudy Russell, who also happens to be her oldest daughter.
If you’re looking for anecdotes and personal experiences of other oldest daughters, you’ll find many here. The stories are in each person’s own words so they’re broad brush strokes of their experiences or memories. These stories are not just by oldest daughters. Many stories are included from people about their sisters or daughters or mothers or wives who are oldest daughters, too.
General topics survey respondents talked about include:
- Leading and being in charge
- Parents seeing the oldest daughter differently and knowingly putting her in a different position from their other kids, relying on her more.
- Being “little mothers” (certainly something I experienced)
- The weight and expectations of responsibility placed on and carried by oldest daughters
- Marriage and how a spouse’s birth order affects the relationship
- International voices that show how oldest daughter expectations and experiences are common across cultures
- The importance of being aware of these dynamics so we can change if we want to
- Expectations oldest daughters have about themselves and that their families have. And realizing that parents might have one set of expectations of us, we have another, and siblings have a third expectation (usually to stop making everyone do what’s always been done).
- Knowing who we really are, which can be a challenge for oldest daughters.
At the end of each chapter is a “professional insight” section. Here Dr. Russell comments on the main issue of the chapter. She then offers a few questions for reflection to consider for self-examination or for family discussion. This was my favorite part of the book. I also liked the appendices listing books by oldest daughters, some famous oldest daughters (good company!), and some survey snapshots.
Schudy makes an important distinction: while birth order is a fact, it doesn’t have to be fate. Self-understanding is so important and I’m a little late to the realization that being an oldest daughter has affected me quite as much as it has. For me, being away from home for twenty-five years made me think the effects of my position in the family had dissipated. But roles and behaviors established at birth don’t disappear just because you are no longer around your family. Sure, I get more entrenched in the role when I am around my family of origin and the behavior fits like comfortable jeans that are maybe starting to get a little tight. And now looking back, I can see how I’ve played out the oldest daughter personality at work, in my marriage, and even from a distance with my family.
One realization I had while reading Schudy’s book was that as an oldest daughter you are constantly in the position of placating two opposing sides: your parents on one side and your siblings on the other. The parents want you to be sure the kids mind. The kids want you to stop telling them what to do. Trying to please both sides and keep everyone happy creates what? A pleaser who can’t please anyone. Which you can then guilt yourself about. Good times.
I recommend Oldest Daughters if you want to supplement your reading on birth order or if you enjoy reading personal anecdotes from others, such as in forums. Oldest daughters will likely see aspects of themselves in the book. Others might understand their relatives or coworkers better after reading the book. This is a useful conversational collection of anecdotes and insights that broaden the topics of birth order and, especially, firstborn daughters.
Book cover by carynwrites
Woman and girl by Free-Photos from Pixabay / filtered from original