Two days after Dad died in 2010, I did as usual and sought solace in a local bookstore. I knew about Kubler Ross’ stages of grief but bypassed her book for the more targeted How to Survive the Loss of a Parent: A Guide for Adults. The original receipt from that day is still inside. When Mom passed 7½ years later, I took the book off my shelf and read it again.
How to Survive the Loss of a Parent is based on a workshop given by the author, a family counseling psychotherapist, and is a type of virtual grief-counseling small group. Author Lois F. Akner introduces you to the twelve group members who have experienced the death of a parent and all of whom are having trouble processing their loss.
Some have one parent still surviving, others do not. Ages range from 18 to nearly 70. Some were caregivers of parents who’d had long illnesses, for others the deaths were sudden. And the child/parent relationships range from overly protective to abusive/neglectful and along the continuum between. Basically, a diverse group where a wide range of readers can find someone to relate to. Their stories are shared throughout the book. As you “listen” to each discussion Akner guides you through your grief, too.
First Akner talks about what it means and feels like to lose a parent. And why this type of loss can be hard to grieve because first, parents are irreplaceable and second, they are so central to who we are. The rest of the book takes the group members, and the reader, through discussions on:
- How this loss is a life altering event and how even when the pain subsides we’ll still be connected to our parent. Mourning is hard work and losing our parents often dredges up all sorts of other issues we either thought were resolved or had never allowed ourselves to see.
- Grief isn’t a step by step journey through stages, but is messy and complicated and unpredictable. It is extremely important to feel what you can now.
- How memories provide information about our relationships that will help us function better in our present life. Relationships are complex.
- How families either come together or grow apart after the passing of a parent. Sometimes they do both. Akner invites us to look beyond the relationship that’s been lost and connect with the rest of our family members.
- Discovering untold secrets after parents die – more common than we might think – and also coping with those secrets we never told them and now cannot tell.
The book contains ten exercises for working through different aspects of your own grief. Finally Akner reports how each person we’ve been following in the book says they are doing one year after the group has ended. This way the reader sees possible outcomes to accepting parental loss – some have healed and have renewed hope, a few seem stuck in denial.
On page 122, Akner writes, “The best way to pay tribute to your parents is to remember them as they were, not as you wished them to be.” I struggle with this. Having never been close, I painted Mom in broad strokes, usually negatively, but I also miss the fantasy I’d never had and sometimes now forget the reality of our relationship, the distances and frictions that were always between us. Akner recommends we neither demonize nor idealize our parents. This book makes it clear that Akner has seen many, many people grieving after having imperfect relationships with their parents.
Most people will read this book after experiencing their first parental death, either their own or a loved one’s. Almost all of us will lose a parent – probably both (or more if you have step-parents). Akner says that often people coping fine with life are surprised by the feelings of this inevitable loss. And often it’s a catalyst to uncovering unresolved issues or family dysfunction or secrets and all sorts of emotional and psychological pain/trauma/disturbance.
The book’s tone is very down to earth and matter-of-fact. This makes the heavy subject easier to handle. You can read the suggestions and stories without falling apart. You can observe the group members – and then yourself – with an objectivity that is actually healing. Each time I read it, the book helped with my own grieving. I’d still like to work through some of the exercises. I did write in my journal as I read through the book the second time. I wonder if working through the issues in “real time,” months instead of the few days or weeks it takes to read the book, would feel less rushed and be more helpful.
How to Survive the Loss of a Parent is warmly recommended. The basic premise of group therapy is that we find healing in sharing our stories and hearing the stories of others. This book is the next best thing to attending a grief small group. It is objective, practical, and realistic, asking questions to help you accept the pain of your loss and then “embark on a grand excavation of your life and relationships.”
Book cover by carynwrites
Chairs by wollyvonwolleroy from Pixabay / filtered from original