I’m fascinated by birth order, in case you couldn’t tell, and after reading Leman’s books and a few on oldest daughters, I discovered psychologist Linda Blair’s Birth Order: What Your Position in the Family Really Tells You About Your Character.
One of the complaints out there about birth order is that it isn’t real, it doesn’t matter. (“Does birth order matter” is a common search term. And the article headlines Why Birth Order Doesn’t Matter and Why Birth Order Matters are the most common headlines on the topic.)
And yet, why does it continue to be discussed and talked about? Well, first, most of us have families and many of us have siblings. We see the dynamics in our own families and in our friends and co-workers.
As Linda Blair describes, many things contribute to our personalities and birth order is just ONE thing that does so. Albeit, a very effective thing, a major factor for many. Linda comes right out and faces this question at the beginning of her book, detailing the fact that other aspects of life contribute to our personalities, making us who we are. It’s birth order AND …. other influences.
It doesn’t make birth order any less important.
Some of aspects of life interact with our birth order in common ways. Parents who have strict views of parenting, for example, or who are critical of their children tend to exacerbate some of the less desirable traits caused by birth order.
Alternatively, common traumatic experiences in a community – locally or even globally (think 9-11) can decrease the effect of birth order on a person.
And one other mitigating factor? Big, extended families made up of friends AND relatives.
If your nuclear family was isolated, as many in the West tend to be, then birth order has a stronger influence on the family members. In more communal societies, birth order characteristics are not quite as strong.
While Blair lists many of the same common attributes that others who have studied and written about birth order record, she also includes a few dozen other factors that affect birth order by either strengthening or decreasing traits.
She even points out certain things we are born with regardless of birth order and that are not at all affected by birth order. This includes degrees of impulsivity or receptiveness and levels of introversion and extroversion.
As she explains it, “Those qualities that appear to be primarily genetic will ‘come through’ strongly in your makeup, regardless of your birth order position.”
As in the previous books I reviewed (Eldest Daughter Effect and The Birth Order Book), Blair describes the typical characteristics of the four main birth order types – firstborn, middle, last born, and singles (she dislikes the term ‘only child’). She focuses primarily on the strengths but does admit that each can have weaknesses or negative tendencies (that can be exacerbated by other life experiences).
For each position, she also touches on guidelines for “choosing a partner” and career tips. And she presents case studies of people she has counseled within each birth order to illustrate how the birth position affected the issues they faced and how understanding birth order gave them a tool for self-growth.
Linda Blair, born in the US, is a practicing clinical psychologist in the UK. I was not surprised to learn in her bio that she is the eldest of six children (one boy and five girls). I related to Linda because she, too, had an early caregiving role due to her birth order.
Interestingly, she adopted all three of her children. This gives her a unique perspective on children’s personality development. They were each adopted as infants whose genetic and biological contributions could not be traced. And so she had no preconceived notion of how they “ought” to be. Each of her children was a biological firstborn, yet in the family to which they grew up one was first, one was middle, and one was last.
Things I liked about Linda Blair’s Birth Order
- The case studies – I always find it helpful to see the principles in action. Plus, case studies provide story arcs as each person profiled initially struggles with some issue and, through therapy and understanding their birth order, finds resolution. Life sometimes does work that way and it’s nice to be reminded. Being able to see the birth order traits in action makes them easier to understand and/or see in ourselves or others.
- Much as Dr. Leman does, Blair provides the other factors that affect birth order, as I mentioned above. Unlike Leman, Blair organizes it as a complete second part to the book. Leman’s approach is to weave these factors throughout. Where Leman’s books tend to focus on firstborn traits more than the other positions, Blair’s approach gives equal weight and coverage to each position.
- I like that Blair addresses children in larger families and how this affects birth order. I’m most interested in larger families and would like to find a book (or two) on this. Most books I’ve read so far discuss two and three sibling families, probably because they are more common. Or possibly in larger families the vagaries of birth order are flattened out a bit when you’re one of a larger crowd.
- I also like how Blair points out the middle born advantage over the firstborn that we often forget. The middle had more experienced parents. In some cases, this is a benefit as they were less anxious and fearful of making a mistake. But if the parents were too relaxed, that’s not for the best either. But generally, having less anxious, calmer parents creates a child who is less of a worrier than the older child.
- The book gave me further insight into people I care about who are not my birth order. It helped me understand a little more about why they do things.
Points that caught my attention
- Singles (only children) find it difficult to tolerate disorder. Many singles tell Blair it isn’t that they get impatient with disorder or disorganized people, it is that they “fear the loss of the control and predictability that they’re used to.” While I’m the oldest of six, I was eight when the second child in the family was born, so in many ways I’m a single. Blair’s book – and this discomfort with unpredictability – underlined tis fact for me.
- Those who are firstborn tend to accept what authority figures tell them more than any other birth order.
- Middle born tend to take up causes and fight for underdogs. Because middle born tend to get less of their parents’ attention, they may repress their needs and find it ineffective to speak up for themselves. Then, they later project their feelings about this onto others who they see as being treated unfairly. In a sense they are saying they want to help those who need help just as they would have liked someone to have helped them.
- Regarding middle born children, Blair points out that in larger families, each middle is a last born for a while until the next child comes along. The larger the gap between a middle and the next child, the more time they develop last born traits.
- Last borns are prone to feelings of low self-esteem. This was not something I remember reading about in Leman’s book, which is interesting since he is a last born. But apparently it’s possible that in a family where all of the older people – parents and siblings – look out for and often do things for the last born, they have difficulty developing belief in their own capabilities since they often don’t get to actually do things for themselves. Also, they are always comparing themselves to people who are older and more competent than them at everything. They’ve all had a head start and that can’t be changed.
- For singles, Blair points out that due to changing society expectations, being an only child is no longer seen as unacceptable or something to be pitied. Singles were often seen as “misfits, odd or eccentric.” Now, with more parents choosing to have only one child, some of these incorrect harmful labels have thankfully gone away. In Blair’s view, singles now are “generally happier and better adjusted” then singles of the past because their parents chose to have them and only them. So they had happier and more contented parents than those of earlier generations who were expected to have more kids. Parenting has improved, too, so only children are no longer labeled lonely and socially isolated.
- No one is born naturally organized or naturally social. While firstborn and only children will be more interested in developing organizational skills and middle born and last born will be more motivated to develop good social skills, these are skills they learned. They are developed as part of the interaction between birth order position and the acquisition of the skills. And this means that if you lack those skills, it’s possible for you to learn them.
Surprising factors that can influence birth order traits
This is not a complete list, but some of the factors that Blair includes are:
- Parenting style and beliefs – parents who are consistent and warm with children have children who are confident and self-assured regardless of positions.
- Major upheavals in your parents’ lives such as job loss, death of their own parents when you were young, sudden absence due to job change.
- Number of children and family – every kid in a large family, and specifically the middle born, will have a hard time asking others for what they need or desire. The parents most likely could not address everyone’s needs and desires and so the children adapt to this deficit, which can be difficult to overcome as an adult.
- Moving house – finally someone says this can affect children! Because we moved when I was young and it was impactful. It probably didn’t help that for me, the move was so sudden I had no time to say goodbye to friends and classmates. Blair doesn’t address just those who moved a lot, like military families, but also those who even had one move when young. Especially if the move was seen negatively, such as due to job loss or financial hardship. In my case the move was something my parents wanted and we’re looking forward to, they just neglected to tell me about it.
- The return home of an older sibling – due to economic conditions in the past two decades, oldest or older siblings have had to return home for financial reasons. Once the firstborn leaves, the next eldest steps up and becomes a fill-in firstborn with the firstborn’s responsibilities. The return of the previous eldest can cause clashes as the “acting eldest” has been usurped.
- Introduction of elderly or infirm relative – this is increasingly common as grandparents move in with parents for care. As with moves and all life changes, the attitude of the parents will affect their children and if this is seen as a burden or negative, its impact on children’s birth order traits could be stronger. Often it is the firstborn whose nurturing traits get strengthened. Surprisingly, the last born can also feel “displaced” from their position by having a more dependent family member in the house.
- Grandparents, other relatives, teachers, and friends also contribute to our personality development.
As Blair says in her book’s opening, while birth order is a fascinating topic, the reason so many people feel the characteristics of birth order don’t seem to fit is because birth order a) is just one piece of the puzzle “that is you“ and b) has never been put into context.
It needs to be considered within the context of other influences on character such as traumatic events, parenting styles, family stability, and more. Blair’s book does an admirable job of putting birth order into context and making it understandable.
Blair does caution, “although birth order characteristics may describe someone to a large extent, they can’t be a complete guide to anyone’s character. You’ll find that you can understand yourself and others better if you look at the whole picture.”
As with other books on birth order, it provides surprising insights into relationships not just with family but also friendships and work relationships.
Birth Order is a reassuring and concise explanation of birth order and how it has contributed to our character. It’s an enjoyable and illustrative read, too, thanks to Blair’s writing style and the case studies included throughout.
If you’re looking for a quick read on the primary points of birth order and other insight into personality development, check out Birth Order by Linda Blair.
Children walking by Ida Damkilde from Pixabay / filtered from original