This has been an up and down week. Probably like so many others, I’ve felt by turns prepared, relieved, depressed, sad, horrified, frightened, uplifted, and hopeful. And then I cycle through all those feelings again. And again.
I won’t dwell on the depressing, frightening, and sad aspects of our current reality here. Anyone can find that quite easily. I’ve worked hard to limit my exposure to it, despite well-meaning people I know texting scary facts to me. Here I want to shine a small light on the more hopeful thoughts I’ve had and things I’ve seen this week.
In Nicola Slawson’s The Single Supplement this week, she mentioned something she had noticed, and it registered with me because I’ve seen it, too. “There’s almost a competition for who is suffering the most.” I’ve noticed this on forums and online groups.
Not just comparisons of suffering but lashing out at anyone who isn’t traumatized and dares to share their experience. People who like solitude and holing up (but generally feel guilty or unhealthy about it) are breathing sighs of relief and feeling grateful for the time.
Or one person’s loss of their weekly yoga class is pooh-poohed – at least they aren’t sick/can breathe/have food/have a job/aren’t a nurse or doctor suffering on the front lines.
We internalize this message, too. But berating ourselves for not being in great need or danger doesn’t help those who are. There are all sorts of losses. Even the ones reveling in the solitude are experiencing other losses. They are probably not sharing them because they are the same as others’ losses.
When we grieve, we are often surprised at our ability to also experience joy or peace.
And that is what makes us human, as George Bonanno explains in his book The Other Side of Sadness. We are wired for all emotions, and in grieving, we oscillate between the light and dark emotions. It is how we are able to grieve. This is called resilience.
We are resilient. The human race is resilient. Everywhere you look people are commenting on the contradiction of such pain and horror balanced by such outpourings of creativity and generosity.
I’m reminded of a line in the movie Starman when the extraterrestrial, played by Jeff Bridges, tells the SETI scientist what he finds beautiful about the human species: “You are at your very best when things are worst.” Things are certainly worst right now. And yet.
Listen to this music and think of the images of hope and cooperation we are seeing each day – people dancing in giant circles six feet from each other, people placing teddy bears in their windows so kids can hunt for them, people singing and serenading from balconies, people making their products free or waiving fees, people donating to restaurants to help pay workers. There really is so much good happening while there is equally as much bad.
I mentioned doing this next thing last week and I did do this project. I hesitated to add it here, telling myself it was silly. But that was me resisting a positive emotion in the face of so much sorrow. Me crying on my couch alone does not help anyone. Me doing something uplifting for myself helps me. And might help in some small way add a spark of light to the world, especially if you believe we are all connected. It’s a drop in the ocean of love and healing that is all around us.
Doing this little project lifted my feelings a bit. So here is my neighborhood – from the Laundromat to Disney – in my home. I’ve even left some of the signs or displays up and each time I happen to see them, I smile just a little.
I’ve also been thinking of family caregivers, having been one for seven years. Part of that time Mom was in my home, part of that time she was in her own independent living apartment.
Family caregivers have it hard right now and I can completely imagine the situations they face. No matter where your loved one is, you worry about their health and life, even. Maybe you can no longer visit them at their home or they’re locked down in a nursing home.
I can only list resources I know of that might support you at this time: Working Daughter Facebook Group where others face the same situations. AgingCare.com, a forum of fellow caregivers.
If you are separated from those you care for, please take care of yourself. Placing punishment and guilt on yourself because you think of their suffering won’t decrease their suffering. Get rest, pray or meditate, eat well. Build up your reserves of strength now for when you are reunited.
And I know I mentioned this last time and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person thinking this, but video chats are actually enjoyable. I’ve had one almost every day, sometimes more than one. I even joined a writing video chat in a Facebook group with people I didn’t know. It was fun.
Next time I’ll even turn my camera on.