After Mom died I couldn’t figure out why I was so compelled to take care of her (given our history) – and why I was so conflicted about it at the same time. Since books are my go-to for learning about anything, I searched and found The Eldest Daughter Effect. It provided lots of insight.
When two writers who are eldest daughters started to notice patterns in the eldest daughters they knew or met, they decided to research the patterns more closely. The result is the book The Eldest Daughter Effect by Lisette Schuitemaker & Wies Enthoven. The authors share the results of their research interviewing and surveying eldest daughters along with their own personal stories to illustrate key points.
They found 5 core qualities that eldest daughters have in common: responsible, dutiful, hands-on (I would call this take-charge), thoughtful/serious, and caring.
While I appreciated the “you’re okay” message of the book and even some of the parts celebrating other famous eldest daughters – Oprah, JK Rowling, Sheryl Sandberg – I caught myself looking for the section on our weaknesses and how to overcome them. I finally found a list at the back of the book. Because certainly being an oldest daughter has its drawbacks – always caring about others over yourself, turning people off by taking charge. My belief that everything has a flaw – and my search for firstborn weaknesses listed in this book – come to find out, is a pretty firstborn type of behavior.
I think the authors purposefully focus on strengths because, as they know from their research and life experiences, eldest daughters are hardest on themselves. From the outside looking in at eldest daughters, I’m learning that this is not entirely clear to the later borns in our lives, who probably think we’re hardest on them. Nah. We take top spot in the criticisms and judgments we dole out.
Schuitemaker & Enthoven describe the beginnings of eldest daughterhood – what our parents thought and how they felt with their firstborn daughter and how the combination of focused attention and over-cautiousness contributed to our personality. Then the world turns upside down for everyone when a second child enters the picture. As number two bursts onto the scene, the authors explain, the parents become distracted and are no longer able to focus on the dethroned firstborn.
This surprise upheaval causes some common reactions: we become pleasers, we are enlisted to help our parents, or – as in my case – we are put in charge of too much at too young an age. And we do it all wanting to have that same attention and love we’d taken for granted when it was just us alone with our parents. And thinking if we are just good enough, then we will again feel that love.
The arrival of a second person is not a bad thing in itself, but it does create a certain circumstance and also explains why the first born and the second born are almost always complete opposites.
After describing how eldest daughters become eldest daughters and the major core traits we develop, the authors discuss how eldest daughters experience other relationships like friendships, work/career/coworkers, spouses, and parenting. Those who become the mother of an eldest daughter have an unequalled experience. (Fun fact – I’m the eldest daughter of an eldest daughter – who was the daughter of an only who was the daughter of an eldest daughter – and then I lose track of birth order.)
Some points I found especially interesting were:
- A chapter on perfectionism which the authors agree with experts is the biggest issue for the eldest daughter. They explain a little how perfectionism manifests and some coping skills for it. I’ll write future posts about this in more depth, since I agree, it seems to be one of the biggest handicaps to being the oldest daughter. This fact related to my birth order was a tiny revelation for me since I’d kind of thought I’d overcome my perfectionistic tendencies. A light bulb went off for me when I read that eldest daughters hate criticism. Apparently that’s a key symptom of perfectionism. And I have always been highly avoidant of the slightest criticism and so-called constructive feedback. (Annual evaluations, anyone?)
- Schuitemaker told a story in which she shared her “old fear of being too much, being too self-willed in leading my own life, not being suited to live with someone else.” This is a persistent fear I’ve had and in light of my recent divorce, it is in my thoughts even more. I can’t recall ever hearing or reading anyone admit to this fear. Schuitemaker shared it with the implication it was not a fear unique only to her but one held by others in their research.
- She also mentioned she couldn’t be herself in previous relationships – again, something I struggle with.
- While it’s wonderful to gain understanding about family dynamics when everyone is young, there is a whole chapter on family interaction as everyone matures and even after parents pass on. This is really helpful and is the very situation I am in now. As the oldest daughter, how do I interact with my siblings? Our parents are gone. It feels a little like when they often were “gone away” and left me in charge. Is this just a new iteration of that same experience? Since we’re all adults now, I’m not in charge. Can I accept that? Can I enjoy not being in charge and forge a different kind of relationship with my siblings? Will I be “too much?” Will they see me as an intrusive pest suddenly eager to spend time with them when I was too busy before, caught up in my own private concerns or too focused on my caregiving of Mom?
I warmly recommend The Eldest Daughter Effect. It’s different from the “bible” The Birth Order Book – which does have a lot on firstborns – because it focuses on daughters, on the eldest daughter, and also is by two women who are the eldest daughters in their families. I think having that eldest daughter perspective does give them a more nuanced insight than a different birth order or gender would have.
The book still feels a little light on the drawbacks of being the eldest daughter, though to be fair, there may be more drawbacks if you come from a bigger family, I don’t know. The authors live in countries with mostly two children families and that is the family dynamic they write about the most. As the eldest of six, there’s automatically more people in the picture in my family and I’m curious if or how that can change things for the eldest daughter put in charge. One sibling to babysit or keep out of Mom’s hair is completely different from three or four or five siblings all needing attention.
This book is mostly for firstborn daughters – to understand themselves – and their parents – better. People related to a firstborn daughter and spouses of eldest daughters will also find a great deal of insight into their loved one. Even coworkers might find it helpful, especially if their boss is a firstborn daughter.
If you are an eldest daughter you could use some support and encouragement and this book provides just that. I’m guessing that non-firstborn people think firstborns are full of confidence and don’t need any extra support and encouragement since they think they know everything already. But we don’t think we know everything – we just want to be sure we’re prepared for the next shoe to drop – or baby to be brought home – so we can plan ahead and not be too surprised when all hell breaks loose. Since it always does in our firstborn experience. So since we’re so gun-shy about the least thing, having a book that tells you what your strengths are and that you’re not crazy, in fact, that there’s a reason for your neurotic perfectionism, organization, and wish for everybody to just stay where they belong – well, that’s a book you enjoy reading!
Book cover by carynwrites
Girl in sunlight by Free-Photos from Pixabay / filtered from original